


How far?

by thegirl20



Series: Domestic bliss (Jill/Lindsay) [3]
Category: Women's Murder Club (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-26
Updated: 2013-01-26
Packaged: 2017-11-26 23:35:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/655629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirl20/pseuds/thegirl20
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lindsay is obsessed with the 'Kiss Me Not Killer'.  But will it cost her her relationship?</p>
            </blockquote>





	How far?

Jill sat alone in the living room, cradling a glass of scotch and watching the clock. It was after ten. She sighed. She supposed she should be used to spending her evenings alone, it happened so often.  
  
A key in the lock drew her out of her musings. She put the glass down on the coffee table and walked to the living room door, leaning against the frame and watching as Lindsay shrugged out of her leather jacket.  
  
“It’s late,” Jill said, stating the obvious. “Where’ve you been?”  
  
“Hmm?” Lindsay asked, distracted.  
  
“Where have you been?”   
  
“There was a lead I had to follow,” Lindsay said, vaguely.  
  
“Not on the Hawkins case. Jacobi told me it was signed, sealed and delivered at five o’clock this afternoon.”  
  
“It was for another case,” Lindsay said, sounding annoyed.  
  
Jill bit her tongue and shook her head.  
  
“No prizes for guessing which one.”  
  
Lindsay paused and looked at her, challenging her to say more. When nothing else was forthcoming, Lindsay reached up and pulled down the ladder which led to the attic. She hesitated after putting her foot on the first rung. Her eyes flicked to Jill for a second.  
  
“Don’t wait up, I have stuff to do and I don’t know when I’ll be done.”  
  
Jill watched Lindsay disappear into the hatch. A solitary tear ran down her cheek, pooling in the corner of her mouth.  
  
“Oh, I think we’re done,” she whispered to the empty hallway.  
  
*  
  
Lindsay pushed open the front door and was surprised to find the apartment in darkness. She turned on the hallway light and shrugged out of her jacket. She checked her cell to see if Jill had left a message to say she was going out, or was working late, but there was nothing.  
  
Martha came bounding out to greet her and Lindsay bent down to scratch the dog’s ears.   
  
“Hey girl, where’s Jill, huh? Have you been here all alone all night? Are you hungry?”  
  
Lindsay stood and headed into the kitchen with Martha trotting at her heels. There was an envelope with her name on it sitting on the kitchen table. It was Jill’s writing. A chill went through Lindsay’s stomach. She picked the envelope up and ripped it open, pulling out the single piece of paper inside.  
  
 _Lindsay,  
  
I’m going to stay with Claire for a while. I need some time to think about everything. About us. I’ve tried to talk to you about this but, even when you’re here, you’re not with me.   
  
I’ll speak to you soon.  
  
I love you.  
  
Jill._  
  
Lindsay sat down heavily in one of the kitchen chairs, the hand holding the note was shaking violently. She fought down the rising nausea in her chest. Martha came and put her head on her mistress’ knee, sensing her distress.  
  
Forcing herself to take some calming breaths, Lindsay dialled Jill’s cell number. It rang a couple of times before going to voicemail. Immediately Lindsay tried Claire’s number instead. This time the phone was answered on the second ring.  
  
“Hello,” Claire sounded like she expected the call.  
  
“Claire, I need to speak to her.”  
  
“Honey, I really think she just needs some time.”  
  
“Please, Claire. I can fix this. I know it’s my fault. Please… _please_  just let me speak to her.”  
  
With a sigh, Claire deliberated before making a decision.  
  
“I’ll  _ask_  her if she wants to speak to you.”  
  
“Thank you,” Lindsay said, genuinely.  
  
Muted murmurings could be heard over the line, Claire had covered the mouthpiece.  
  
“Hey.” It was Jill’s voice and Lindsay almost cried with relief.  
  
“Baby, come home.”  
  
“Lindsay, I can’t…”  
  
“Please, come home, I can fix it.”  
  
“I think we both need some time to decide what we want,”  
  
“I know what I want. I want you. Come home so we can talk about it.”  
  
“Not tonight…I…I just can’t,” Jill’s voice was cracking, “Say goodnight to Martha for me.”  
  
“Jill, wait, please…let me…I’ll pick you up for breakfast in the morning. We can talk. Please?”  
  
Jill was silent for a long time, Lindsay could hear her breathing.  
  
“OK. I’ll see you in the morning.”  
  
Lindsay closed her eyes in relief.  
  
“Thank you. I love you,” Lindsay’s voice broke on the last word.   
  
Jill was crying openly now.  
  
“I love you too,” she whispered.  
  
The line went dead. Lindsay dropped the cellphone to the table and brought a shaking hand up to her mouth, squeezing her eyes closed. Martha let out a low whine and nuzzled her mistress’ elbow. Lindsay rubbed the dog’s head, absently.   
  
She stood, suddenly, and headed to the attic.  
  
*  
  
Jill handed the phone back to Claire, wiping at her eyes with her sleeve. Claire pressed her lips together, unsure of the best approach. She wrapped an arm around Jill’s shoulders and squeezed.  
  
“You OK?”  
  
Jill shrugged and sniffed.  
  
“She’s picking me up in the morning. We’re gonna talk. That’s something.”  
  
“Uh huh.”  
  
Jill looked at Claire sharply, confused by the tone of her voice.  
  
“You don’t think that I should talk to her.”  
  
“Yes…no…I mean, I do think that the two of you need to talk. I also know that neither of you are all that good at it.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Now, you know that I love you, and that I love Lindsay. But honey, you both have issues with intimacy.”  
  
“I…what does that have to do with anything?”  
  
“Tomorrow. You go to breakfast with Lindsay. She looks at you with those big, brown eyes and tells you she’s sorry…what are you gonna do?”  
  
The image Claire had conjured up made Jill’s chest contract and she closed her eyes. Claire jostled her gently.  
  
“You’re gonna fall right back into her arms. But will anything actually be fixed?”  
  
Jill shook her head.  
  
“OK. So all I’m sayin’ is, if you’re gonna talk, make sure you actually talk about what’s bothering you. The two of you are pretty adept at making up so that’s not what you need to practise. It’s the talking part.”  
  
“I know. I…I’m gonna do the talking thing. We need to be clear about what the problem is.”  
  
“Good. I hate to see you hurting this way. I hate to see her the way she is. Believe me, when all of this is fixed, nobody’ll be happier than me.”  
  
Jill bumped Claire’s shoulder with her own.   
  
“Wanna bet?”  
  
*  
  
Lindsay pressed Claire’s doorbell feeling like a kid picking up his prom date. Nervous as hell, but with hope tucked away somewhere at the back of her mind.  
  
The door opened to reveal Claire. Lindsay offered her a tentative smile and was rewarded with a one-armed hug of reassurance. Claire pulled back and took in Lindsay’s appearance.  
  
“You look worse than the guy who was on my table yesterday,” she remarked, not unkindly.  
  
“Uh…I didn’t sleep…much.”  
  
“At all, you mean?”  
  
Lindsay sighed.  
  
“Is it that obvious?”  
  
Claire nodded.  
  
“But if it makes you feel better, I’m pretty sure you’ll make a matching pair.”  
  
The thought of Jill spending a sleepless night, upset and hurting tugged at Lindsay’s stomach. She looked at her feet.  
  
“And I’m gonna pretend that I don’t see that flower that you obviously stole from my neighbour’s garden.”  
  
Lindsay looked back up, twirling the single daisy nervously.  
  
“Is it too cheesy? I…I didn’t want to do the whole  _‘here’s an elaborate bunch of flowers’_  apology but I didn’t wanna show up empty handed and they were so pretty and…I should get rid of it, right? She’ll hate it.”  
  
“No she won’t.”  
  
Jill’s voice came from behind Claire. Claire stepped aside to let Jill take her place. Jill met Lindsay’s eyes for a moment before they dropped to the flower she was holding. She reached out and took it, bringing it up to her nose. She smiled sadly.  
  
“It’s lovely,” she said, looking back at Lindsay’s face. “You look like shit, by the way.”  
  
“Thanks,” Lindsay said, allowing herself a small chuckle. “You look beautiful.”  
  
“Liar,” Jill said, smiling.  
  
Claire cleared her throat, sensing that the playful banter was going to lead to a reconciliation right there on her porch, which wasn’t going to resolve anything.  
  
“Weren’t you two gonna go for breakfast?” she asked, nudging Jill.  
  
“We were,” Jill turned to Lindsay, “Did you have somewhere in mind?”  
  
“I…well there’s a little waffle house a few blocks away. I thought we could walk there since it’s a nice morning,” she suggested.  
  
“Sounds good to me,” Jill agreed.  
  
She turned to face Claire and gave her a quick hug.  
  
“I’ll see you later. Thanks for…well, you know,” she finished, embarrassed.  
  
“You’re welcome. Now  _go_ ,” Claire ordered, shoving Jill out of the door where she fell into step beside Lindsay on the way down the path.  
  
Claire stood and watched them go. And she prayed.  
  
*  
  
The air was crisp and fresh, the sun warming the air enough to keep away the chill of the morning. They had walked in silence since leaving Claire’s house. Lindsay sneaked a glance at Jill who was concentrating on the sidewalk. Lindsay decided to break the silence.  
  
“I feel like this is our first date all over again,” she said, her voice betraying exactly how nervous she felt.  
  
Jill smiled.  
  
“Well, at least you know there won’t be any unfortunate dancefloor incidents involving people of diminutive stature this time. That should take away some of the pressure.”  
  
“True…but, I was trying to impress you enough for you to sleep with me back then. Now the stakes are a little higher.”  
  
They were both staring straight ahead as they walked.  
  
“Linds... I didn’t leave because I don’t want to be with you. I just…I wanted to see if you would notice if I wasn’t there, cuz you sure didn’t seem to notice when I was there.”  
  
Out of the side of her eye, Jill saw Lindsay’s head droop. She reached out and took her hand, lacing their fingers together. Lindsay looked over at her, surprised.  
  
“Don’t tell Claire I did that. We still need to talk when we get to the restaurant. Properly,” Jill insisted.  
  
Lindsay nodded, her heart lightening a little as Jill squeezed her fingers.  
  
*  
  
Once they were seated and had given the waitress their order, the awkward silence descended once more. Lindsay watched Jill fidget with the daisy she had given her and decided that she needed to lay her cards on the table.  
  
“You’re right.”  
  
Jill looked up.  
  
“About what?”  
  
“I haven’t been there…for you…lately. I’ve been wrapped up in trying to catch this bastard and I…haven’t thought about how that’s affected you.”  
  
Jill nodded and waited for Lindsay to continue.  
  
“I’m…I want to sit here and tell you that I won’t let it happen again but then I shut my eyes and I see those girls with their mouths sewn shut and I don’t think I can ever, in good conscience, stop caring about that.”  
  
Jill’s hand on top of her own made Lindsay look her in the eye.  
  
“Lindsay, I don’t want you to ever stop caring about your job. I don’t want you to ever change who you are. But I need you to admit that you’re not infallible…that sometimes, even when you do everything in your power, you’re not gonna get the bad guy. I need you to know when it’s time to put your hands up.”  
  
Lindsay shook her head.  
  
“That means he gets away with it. Means he’s still out there. Means he can do it again.”   
  
Jill sat back in her seat, taking her hand off Lindsay’s.  
  
“When was the last time that you had a solid lead on this case? Something that led somewhere useful?”  
  
Lindsay started to speak but Jill kept going.  
  
“When was the last time you came home at a decent hour? When was the last time you sat down and ate a decent meal? When was the last time that you and I went out and did something fun? When was the last time we  _made love_ , for Christ’s sake?”  
  
Lindsay closed her eyes and rubbed her face with both hands.  
  
“Lindsay, what this guy did was sickening. It was awful. I can’t imagine how those families must feel knowing he’s out there right now. But you know what?”  
  
Lindsay took her hands away from her face and tilted her head, looking tired and defeated. She shook her head.  
  
“I know that it’s not your fault. Just like it’s not Claire’s fault that there was no usable DNA evidence. Just like it’s not my fault that none of the warrants turned up anything. You’ve done your part, Linds, you can’t do any more.”  
  
Lindsay breathed in deeply through her nose.  
  
“I don’t think I can walk away completely,” she began, holding a hand up when Jill started to protest, “ _But_ …last night I boxed up all the stuff from the attic. I dropped it off at the archives this morning before I picked you up. I also spoke to the Lieut and told him that I’d be taking some of the vacation time I’ve racked up.”  
  
She looked over at Jill plaintively.  
  
“I know myself, Jill. I know that I get too involved with cases. But I also know that I’ve never been as happy in my life as I am when I’m with you. And I need to work harder at showing you that. If you’ll let me.”   
  
Jill’s eyes had been filling up and they finally spilled over. She wiped at them.  
  
“And Claire said we were no good at this!” she said, laughing at her own display of emotion.  
  
“No good at what?” Lindsay asked, smiling, though her own throat was thick with the threat of tears.  
  
“At the talking thing,” Jill explained. “She was sure I’d prostrate myself at your feet the minute you flashed your puppy-dog eyes at me.”  
  
Lindsay chuckled.  
  
“Yeah, I tried that earlier…didn’t work. They must be broken or something, they’ve never failed me before.”  
  
Jill sobered.  
  
“We’ve never been this far gone before.”  
  
Lindsay nodded. Jill reached over and took both of Lindsay’s hands into hers.  
  
“Lindsay, what you’ve said today is great and it’s exactly what I wanted to hear…but I need to make sure it’s not just words.”  
  
“I know you do,” Lindsay said, nodding in understanding. “Listen, why don’t we go away somewhere? Somewhere hot where there’s nothing to do but lie in a hammock and drink alcoholic things out of coconuts?”   
  
Jill smiled.  
  
“Sounds like heaven.”  
  
“We don’t need to be on vacation for me to show you heaven, darlin’,” Lindsay drawled, her mouth stretching into a lazy grin.  
  
“Lindsay Boxer, are you propositioning me before we’ve even had breakfast?”  
  
Lindsay leaned forward over the table.  
  
“If I say yes am I going to get slapped?” she whispered.  
  
Jill sighed and shook her head, reaching into her purse and bringing out her cellphone. She punched a few buttons and held it to her ear. Lindsay quirked a questioning eyebrow at her.  
  
“Claire? Hey, listen, I’m gonna come by and grab my stuff tomorrow, OK?” she looked up at Lindsay and held her eyes as she spoke, “I’m going home.”


End file.
